


"Dammit, Sherlock!"

by PenguinsCanFly



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Anderson Is a Dick, Awesome Mrs. Hudson, Conversations, Drabbles, I really don't know what to put in these tags, Psychopath, Sassy John, Sociopath, as usual, john is the sass queen, sherlock pissing john off
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2016-01-19
Packaged: 2018-03-18 04:03:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3555353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PenguinsCanFly/pseuds/PenguinsCanFly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just little snippets of conversation (aka: drabbles) between the high-functioning Sociopath and his blogger flatmate.</p><p> </p><p>“You need to stop leaving dead bodies in the kitchen, Sherlock.”</p><p>“Correction, John. They are severed heads not bodies.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "You need to stop leaving dead bodies in the kitchen."

**Author's Note:**

> (I do not own the Sherlock Holmes books or TV series because if I did we would not be waiting 2 years for a new season to be released. *cough* Moffat *cough*)

“You need to stop leaving dead bodies in the kitchen.”

“Correction, John. They are severed heads not bodies.”

“Yeah, well your head will be joining them if you don't stop it!”

“I don't know why you're getting so worked up about it.”

“We cook and eat in there, Sherlock!”

“When was the last time you cooked something in this kitchen, John?”

“That's not the point!”

“If they're really bothering you John then just move them. But make sure to put them into the freezer so that they won't start decomposing.”

“That's disgusting.”

“Why? I thought you'd be used to it due to being in the army.”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“... Bit much?”

“Yeah, just a little bit.”

“Sorry.”

“...”

“...What do you want me to say now, John?”

“I don't want you to say anything I just want you to move the bloody heads!”

“...”

“... Don't you dare say anything about that unintentional pun, Sherlock.”

“I wasn't going to.”

“Oh, yes you were.”

“No I wasn't.”

“Oh, stop being a stubborn git and move them.”

“I can't John I'm working on problem.”

“Sherlock you're sitting in the middle of the carpet staring at the wall not doing anything!”

“I'm in my mind palace.”

“Oh for heaven's sak--”

“...”

“...”

“... What?”

“Why are there more bullet holes in the wall, Sherlock?”

“I got bored.”

“Mrs Hudson is going to murder you.”

“What she doesn't know can't hurt her.”

“Look, Sherlock just stop acting like a child and move the heads!”

“I will after I've finished solving this problem.”

“Alright then!”

 

 

~ 10 minutes later ~

 

 

“... You not going to move the heads are you?”

“No.”

“Fine! I'll do it myself.”

“While you're up fetch me my nicotine patches. This is a three patch problem.”

“Oh, sod off!”


	2. "I'm not going in there."

“I’m not going in there, Sherlock.”

“What’s the problem?”

“It’s dark and it stinks.”

“And?”

“... There's really no point with you is there?”

“I take it that you meant that as an insult.”

“Tell me, why are we going into the sewer?”

“The case, John! God it must be so boring in your funny little brain.”

“Excuse me?”

“The body was shot right next to a gutter and judging from the way the gutter grill had not been closed properly, I deduced that the killer had thrown the gun down into the sewer."

“Can't we just get the sewer cleaner to find the weapon for us?”

“No! Seriously John haven't you figured it out yet?”

“...”

“You really haven't figured it out have you?”

“Oh my God, Sherlock!”

“Fine. The sewer cleaner is the killer.”

“How on Earth do you know that?”

“Do I really have to explain it to you?”

“Sherlock if you don't answer me I will push you into the sewer and take away the ladder.”

“And you call me the child.”

“...”

“Look, the murder victim was the wife of the sewer cleaner and she'd just come to his job today to tell him that she was pregnant. However, the sewer cleaner had realised that she was cheating on him which lead him to believe that the child wasn't his. This then lead him to shot her out of rage and jealousy.”

“You're pulling my leg.”

“Why would I be pulling your leg?”

“Just... how did you deduce all of that from studying the murder victim?”

“There's a receipt in her pocket for a pregnancy test and there's a faint white ring around her ring finger which shows that her wedding ring is missing, which is due to the fact that she removes it whenever she sees her new lover.”

“Incredible.”

“What?”

“Oh, nothing.”

“...”

“...”

“So now you've learnt who the killer is do you still want to get the sewer cleaner to get the gun?”

“Okay, okay fine! We're going in there.”

 

 

~ Back at 221B Baker Street ~

 

 

“Alright you smart arse, so it was the sewer cleaner.”

“I can't believe that you still doubt me.”

“Well, sorry that I'm not a raging psychopath like you.”

“I'm a high-functioning Sociopath, John. We've been through this.”

“Well, whatever you are, you're definitely not normal.”

“Took you a long time to figure that one out.”

“Yeah, well you still smell like a toilet.”

“...”

“...”

“Is that really the best you can come up with?”

“Shut up, Sherlock.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quote from Supernatural was hidden in there at the end! Congrats to those who found it! Have some cookies for your cleverness! *throws you cookies*


	3. "You'll make Mummy very upset."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introducing Mycroft!
> 
>  
> 
> Also, to stop any confusion about who's talking I'm going to code the three characters:
> 
> Sherlock = normal  
> John = italics  
> Mycroft = bold

**"You'll make Mummy very upset."**

"I can't go Mycroft! Like I said, I'm working on a case."

"Come now Sherlock, that excuse is starting to get old."

_"You're telling me."_

**"Ah, hello John. I didn't see you come in."**

_"Oh I'm sure you did Mycroft. Anyway, why are you here?"_

**"Blunt as always aren't we?"**

"You're telling me."

_"Shut_ _up Sherlock."_

**"You two bicker like an old married couple Anyway, it's Mummy's birthday this weekend and she's more or less demanded that Sherlock and I go down to see her."**

_"For the whole weekend?"_

**"Yes."**

_"Sherlock, you're going."_

"What?!"

**"Someone obviously doesn't want you to stay here, Sherlock. Not that I blame them."**

"I can't see why."

_"Sherlock, you came in yesterday covered in blood and carrying a harpoon!"_

"I explained to you why!"

_"That doesn't make it any better!"_

**"Sherlock, your wife has spoken you must come to see Mummy."**

_"What?!"_

"I can't Mycroft! And besides, I haven't got her anything."

_"Why am I the woman in this relationship?!"_

**"That can be easily sorted my dear brother."**

_"In fact, we're not even in a relationship!"_

"Oh, you shouldn't Mycroft. I wouldn't want to cause you any trouble."

_"And if we were, I'd definitely be the man!"_

**"It's no problem. Can't have you missing out on the family dinners, can we?"**

_"No one's listening to me are they?"_

"Definitely not."

_"... I'll go and put the kettle on then."_

**"Splendid! I'll tell Mummy that you'll be there then."**

"Wonderful..."

**"Two sugars for me, please John."**

_"Sod off, Mycroft!"_

"I've got him well trained, haven't I?"

**"Indeed."**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys got the reference from one of the episodes from the TV series! x


	4. "What's that in your hand?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introducing Mrs Hudson!
> 
>  
> 
> Like the last chapter, I'll code the three characters so you guys don't get confused about who's speaking:
> 
> Sherlock = normal  
> John = italics  
> Mrs Hudson = bold

_“What’s that in your hand, Sherlock?”_

“Nothing.”

_“It’s not 'nothing'. Your hand is red.”_

“Well done for stating the obvious, John.”

_“Sherlock...”_

“Fine. I was dissecting the murder victim's stomach and found a metal capsule in it. Look.”

_“Why on Earth were you dissecting it? Shouldn't that be left to the Pathologists?”_

“By the time they start cutting up the body the murderer would have already fled to another country.”

_“Hypothetically?”_

“You should know by now John that I never guess.”

_“Yeah, yeah.”_

“Honestly John, I--”

_“Wait! Does that mean that you brought the body here?”_

“Well, were else would I dissect it?”

_“Oh my God, Sherlock!”_

“What?”

_“One, that's disgusting and two, you'll have contaminated the evidence now!”_

“Hardly.”

_“You're holding the potential cause of death in your hand! It'll have your fingerprints all over it!”_

“Once it's been cleaned there won't be.”

_“Also, where the hell is the body?”_

“Well, some of it is in the kitchen and some of it is in the freezer.”

_“Sherlock we've talked about this! Don't bring dead bodies into the bloody kitchen!”_

“If I remember correctly, we were talking about severed heads then.”

_“You pedantic prick.”_

**“Language, John.”**

_“Oh, hello Mrs Hudson. Sorry about that.”_

**“That's alright dear.”**

_“Do you want anything?”_

**“Well, yes actually. It concerns you Sherlock.”**

“What have I done now?”

_“What haven't you done...”_

**“Now now, John.”**

_“Sorry.”_

**“And for you Sherlock, I've said it once and I'll say it again, please stop leaving body parts in the skip!”**

_“What?!”_

“Oh yes, sorry I totally forgot about that.”

_“You put the body of the murder victim into a skip?!”_

“Parts of the body John, do pay attention.”

_“That's horrible! Why would you do that?”_

“Well I certainly wasn't going to give them back now, was I?”

_“That's what you should've done!”_

“They have no need for it now! I've collected all the evidence from it that I need.”

_“You can't just take control of the whole investigation, Sherlock! Lestrade will have your head!”_

“Graham will get over it.”

_“Greg.”_

“What?”

_“His name is Greg.”_

**“Boys!”**

_“Yes?”_

"What now?"

**“I don't care what Inspector Lestrade's first name is, just get those body bits out of the skip now please!”**

_“Okay, Mrs Hudson.”_

"Yes, Mrs Hudson."

**“Thank you!”**

“...”

_“...”_

“John--”

_“I'm not getting them out of the skip, Sherlock.”_

“Fine.”

 


	5. "Why are you standing on a table?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seriously didn't know where I got the inspiration for this chapter. I must've been half-asleep or something.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy.

"Sherlock, why are you standing on a table?"

"Quickly John! Tuck the ends of the trouser legs into your socks!"

"What why?"

"There's a scorpion loose in the flat."

"WHAT?!"

"Hurry, John!"

"Why the hell is there a scorpion in the flat?!"

"I was analysing how its venom effected human blood and it escaped its cage."

"Oh my God, Sherlock!"

"Do what I said and get up here!"

"Okay, fine!"

"..."

"..."

"Well, what are we going to do?"

"Hm?"

"The scorpion, Sherlock! What are we going to do about it?"

"I don't know I've never been in this position before."

"Where did you even get a scorpion from anyway?"

"You can get anything from the pet shops nowadays."

"You got it from a pet shop?!"

"Yes, though unfortunately it was quite expensive."

"And the owner was just happy enough to let you buy a venomous scorpion?"

"Once I showed them a wad cash they only too kindly agreed to let me have Spike."

"...Spike?"

"Yes."

"You named the Scorpion Spike?"

"No, the owner did. Apparently they have an unhealthy obsession with a TV show called, oh what was it?"

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer?"

"Yes, that was it! How did you know that? Don't tell me that you watch it."

"Harry used to watch it all the time."

"Ah."

"..."

"..."

"Look, we can't spend the rest of our lives up on this table."

"I quite agree."

"We need to do something!"

"Again, I quite agree."

"Sherlock!"

"What, John?"

"Wait, can't you just phone up the pet shop and ask them how to deal with this?"

"I don't have their number."

"Dammit."

"How about I phone Lestrade?"

"Sherlock, last time you phoned Lestrade about a little problem like this he called the whole police force over."

"And you consider this a 'little problem'?"

"...Touché."

"I'll send him a text now. He'll be over soon."

"I doubt that."

"Why?"

"Sherlock, I doubt he'll believe that there is a scorpion named Spike loose in our flat."

"Why not?"

"...Actually with you involved it sounds relatively normal."

"Should I be insulted?"

"Just send the damn text."

 

~ 15 minutes later ~

 

***beep***

"Ah, Lestrade has replied."

"Finally."

"He said that he's going to be delayed."

"What why?"

"They've had to get Anderson checked over by a doctor."

"Oh my God, is he alright?"

"He heard about our situation and laughed until he got asphyxiation."

"..."

"..."

"What a git."

"Indeed."


	6. "Seriously, where are we going?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock being a terrible flatmate, as usual.

“Where are we going?”

“I told you, John. We’re going out for lunch.”

“...”

“What?”

“Seriously, where are we going?”

“Am I not allowed to take you out for lunch?”

“Stop making it sound like a bloody date! Anyway, what I mean is that the last time you ‘took me out for lunch’ we ended up chasing a cabbie all over London.”

“All over London is a bit of an exaggeration there, John.”

“You’re missing the point here, Sherlock.”

“I am seriously just taking you out for lunch, John.”

“So… there’s no case?”

“No, unfortunately.”

“No chasing anymore cabbies all over London?”

“No.”

“Oh, well. Okay then.”

“…”

“…”

“Just making sure, it’s definitely not a date?”

“No, John.”

“Okay, good.”

 

_~ 15 minutes later ~_

 

“Well, this is different.”

“Yes, it has just opened up recently so I thought we should give it a try.”

“Fair enough.”

“Over there looks like a nice spot.”

“Hm.”

“… You still don’t believe me do you, John?”

“It’s kind of hard not to, Sherlock.”

“Why?”

“I mean, we’re out just getting lunch.”

“And?”

“We’re out getting lunch and you’re not questioning anyone or running out after someone and leaving me to pay the bills.”

“Do I usually do that?”

“What, run out of restaurants?”

“No, leave you to pay the bill?”

“Most of the time, yes.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“No problem.”

“…”

“…”

“So, how have you been John?”

“Oh, er, not bad.”

“Good.”

“…”

“…”

“Okay, what are you up to? And I mean it now?”

“I’m making small talk. Isn’t that what people usually do when they are out with their friends?”

“Well, yes but you don’t usually do this unless—“

“…What?”

“What do you want Sherlock?”

“Hm?”

“You never do this unless either you want something or you’ve done something and are trying to break the news that you’ve done something bad to someone.”

“…”

“…”

“Am I really that obvious?”

“About as obvious as someone dancing on top of a table naked with the word ‘obvious’ painted on their chest.”

“Bad mental image John.”

“Shut up and tell me what you’ve done.”

“… I may have unintentionally gained us a new flatmate.”

“…What?”

“I was talking with someone from my homeless network and now they have the impression that they are staying with us.”

“Sherlock!”

“Sorry.”

“How on earth did you manage that?”

“…”

“… Did they trick the illusive Sherlock Holmes?”

“Shut up.”

“Oh my God, they did.”

“This isn’t funny.”

“This is bloody hilarious! Someone finally managed to trick you! Ha!”

“I wonder if you’ll still be laughing when you find out that they’ll be staying in your room.”

“…Excuse me?”

“Bill please!”


	7. "It wasn't her fault!"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shortie I'm afraid but for the next few chapters Mycroft will be present! Honestly I love writing these three together they could be the next three-and-a-half-men! XD

_Italics = John_

Normal = Sherlock

**Bold = Mycroft**

~~~

_"It wasn't her fault, Sherlock!"_

"It was! If she had left my equipment alone as I had instructed her to we would not be in this predicament!"

_"It was your bloody fault for leaving explosive chemicals lying around the flat!"_

"It was an experiment!"

_"YOU BLEW UP OUR FLAT, SHERLOCK!"_

"I didn't, Mrs Hudson did!"

_"Just be thankful that the chemicals didn't ignite instantaneously otherwise we would not have a landlady! Honestly you've done many, many,_ many _stupid things in your life Sherlock but this is by far one of the worst!"_

**"I really don't think that this is the time to be having this silly little argument children."**

_"Shut up Mycroft! Thanks to your insolent brother we're now homeless!"_

**"Oh John do you really think I would be so heartless as to let you two live on the streets?"**

_"... Yeah pretty much."_

**"You wound me so."**

"Is there a point to you being here, Mycroft?"

**"Do you really think I would be wasting my time talking to you if there wasn't a point to it?"**

_"You two are sibling goals I kid you not."_

"Be quiet John. So why are you here Mycroft?"

**"To offer you residency at my home until your flat gets fixed of course. And this extends to you as well John."**

_"... Sorry what?"_

"Why this sudden hospitality Mycroft?"

**"I just thought I would save you the horror of having to move back in with Mummy and Daddy temporarily."**

"...I accept your offer."

_"Then why are you letting me move in then Mycroft?"_

**"Well I know that you have no other place to go apart from your alcoholic sister with whom you do not have a healthy relationship with, or in your previous dialect, 'sibling goals'."**

_"...Okay fine."_

**"Excellent! I shall my butler to clear out the spare bedroom."**

_"Bedrooms."_

**"Excuse me?"**

"Plural, Mycroft. Bedrooms."

**"...Oh my apologies I had assumed that you two sorted things out by now.**

_"What things?"_

**"There is nothing more tempting than telling an oblivious idiot what he cannot see."**

_"Oblivious idiot?"_

**"Apparently a deaf one as well. Come along you two."**


End file.
